Fun_People Archive
15 Sep
Downocrats and Getuplicans

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 15 Sep 100 20:33:47 -0700
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Subject: Downocrats and Getuplicans

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--(The Onion)  After months of ceaseless debate, including last week's
record 76-hour filibuster slap-bass solo from Senate Rubber Band Minority
Leader Bootsy Collins (D-OH), the National Funk Congress is no closer to
resolving its deadlock over the controversial "get up/get down" issue,
insiders reported Monday.

"Get up-uh, get on up! Get up-uh, get on up!" shouted Getuplican Party
supporters on the steps of the Capitol as the debate, as well as a massive
14-piece instrumental jam, raged within. The pro-up-getting demonstrators'
chants were nearly drowned out by those of a nearby group of jungle-boogie
Downocrats, who called upon all citizens to "Get down, get down!"

The bitter "get up/get down" battle, which has polarized the nation's funk
community, is part of a long-running battle between the two factions, rooted
in more than 35 years of conflict over the direction in which the American
people should shake it.

"The time has come to face facts: To move forward, we've got to get on up,
and stay on the scene, like a sex machine," said Brick House Majority Leader
James Brown (G-GA), one of getting on up's most vocal supporters. "Say it
loud: Only when we have gotten up offa that thing will we, as a nation,
finally get back on the good foot."

Upon learning of Brown's remarks, Downocratic leaders openly questioned
his commitment to getting up. Said Robert "Kool" Bell, a top-ranking Brick
House Downocrat: "It is a well-known fact that Brown has, on many past
occasions, urged his supporters to get down with they bad selves. In
response to his inconsistent voting record and history of waffling on this
crucial issue, we will not rest until every American, as is their
birthright, has gotten down." "You got to get down," Bell added. "Hyuh!"

The disagreement, which has paralyzed all efforts of the National Funk
Congress to get it together and get funky for one and all, has reached
crisis proportions, experts say.  "Until our country's funky leaders can
resolve this deadlock, U.S. funk leadership, and the booties of all
Americans, will remain immobilized," said Gregory Tate, domestic
motorbooty-affairs reporter for The Washington Funkenquarterly. "Unless a
compromise can be reached soon, the entire nation's thang could be in
serious jeopardy."

"Our leaders' refusal to budge, let alone move it from front to back, has
crippled the move-your-body politic," said current U.S. Mothership
Ambassador George Clinton, one of the most outspoken critics of the
deadlock. "These legislators must keep it real and understand that no matter
what party policy may dictate, they cannot fake the funk. What the partisan
people in the House need to realize is this: If they ain't gon' get along,
the time has come for them to take they dead ass home."

But despite such pleas for bipartisan compromise, the two parties remain
at odds. This week, a Getuplican high-treble scratch-guitar initiative
called for all Downocrats to "give it up and turn it loose," sparking an
angry war of words on the Senate dance floor. In response, the Downocratic
members of the Grooves & Booties Subcommittee drafted a bass-heavy
resolution demanding that the initiative be voted "down, down, all the way
down."

The Getuplican-Downocratic rift has been further complicated by confusing
rhetoric from both sides. A call from Parliamentary leaders to "get up for
the down stroke" was interpreted by members of both parties as a statement
of support. Equally unclear was a statement made earlier this week by Funky
Chinatown Big Boss-Elect Carl Douglas, who baffled observers with the
assertion that Funky Chinamen were "chopping men up and chopping men down."

For all the confusion and divisiveness, there are signs of hope. A
bipartisan coalition of funky drummers is gaining strength, urging
Downocrats and Getuplicans to find common ground by "getting together, on
the one." Also on the rise is a small grass-roots campaign calling upon
party people not to get up or down, but simply to get it on.

Whether any of these fledgling reform movements will have a genuine impact
on the entrenched groove machine is uncertain. One thing, however, is not:
A growing number of citizens are fed up with the nation's current leadership
for putting party politics before the need of the people to turn this mother
out.

"Big government has lost sight of the fact that we should not be divided
along Getuplican and Downocratic lines, but should be one nation under a
groove, getting down--or up--just for the funk of it," said Clinton at a
recent Mothership rally calling for an end to the deadlock. "The point is
not that we must get up or down, but rather that, working together, we've
got to get over."

© 2000 Peter Langston