Fun_People Archive
17 Apr
Passover Logistics
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 17 Apr 100 13:07:26 -0700
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: Passover Logistics
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Forwarded-by: IrvTeibel@aol.com
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Oracle, I have selected the finest fruits from my cherimoya orchard and
now set them before you as a tribute. Oracle, your Just Wisdom is known
from sea to sea, from mt. top to mt. top, from abyss to abyss. Please
hear my question and give answer as you see fit.
Do any of the Deities do sub-contracting?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
As far as I'm aware, all of them do. Being omnipotent doesn't mean you've
got time to do everything at once, you know, so they tend to share the
load around. Here, let me give you an example.
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From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
To: Yahweh Elohim, Lord of Hosts
Dear Supreme Being,
Thanks again for accepting our bid for the ten plagues contract. As
agreed, the following pestilences will be delivered to you for inflicting
on the land of Egypt by Passover next:
1. Blood
2. Frogs
3. Gnats
4. Flies
5. Livestock
6. Boils
7. Hail
8. Locusts
9. Darkness
10. Death of the firstborn
To maximise efficiency of resource utilisation, we will be engaging a
number of reputable subcontractors to carry out some of the work. We
will ensure that all this falls within the proposed budget, of course.
Yours sincerely,
Manny Truelove, Seraph i/c Miracles
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From: Sun Macrocosms
To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
Dear Sir or Madam,
We require clarification of your order for a plague of darkness. It
already gets dark every night. There is no charge for this - it is part
of the government contract.
If you need darkness at some other time, please specify the hours. A
sheet of our charges is attached.
Yours faithfully,
Fred Apollo, Solar Engineer
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From: Minor Mythologies (UK) Ltd.
To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
My dear Truelove,
The trucks are ready to roll! They are loaded with herds of the finest
British beef cattle, sheep, goats, pigs and assorted poultry. I believe
we can confidently assure you of a livestock plague that will be
remembered for years to come!
Best wishes,
Antonius Blair
"Buy British!"
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From: Belial Biotechnology
To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
Manny,
There's a slight snag on the frog delivery front - somebody's destroyed
all the frog's eggs in the ponds for miles around. Vandals I suspect,
or perhaps Visigoths.
Fortunately, we do have a couple of ornamental horned toads in stock,
and are at this moment encouraging them to breed. Ornamental horned
toads have, proportionate to their body weight, the largest mouths on
the planet, so they ought to make for a pretty scary plague, don't you
think?
Regards,
Alexandra Kelly, Amphibious Supplies Manager
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From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
To: F. Apollo, Sun Macrocosms
Dear Mr. Apollo,
The client has an absolute requirement for a period of darkness of not
less than 72 hours. As we are working to a strict budget, we cannot
afford a full eclipse for that length of time at the price given on your
chargesheet. I should be grateful if you could suggest a more economical
alternative.
Manny thanks,
M. Truelove, Seraph i/c Miracles
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From: Quetzalcoatl Trading
To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
Dear Mr. Truelove,
I wish you could have given us more notice. There's been a run on our
blood supplies recently - it'll be a relief when someone invents
refrigeration so we can stockpile greater quantities. Our blood donors
are working round the clock to meet your order but, this being the famine
season, I'm not sure we can obtain enough to fill a whole major river
system within the time available.
Yours sincerely,
Kevin Montezuma, Gore Merchant
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From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
To: Nordic Pantheons AG
Thor
Of *course* Egypt is in the desert, you idiot - I thought everybody knew
that! Look, I need that plague of hail two weeks on Thursday, so don't
give me a lot of doubletalk about climate patterns. Just do it!
Manny
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From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
To: Yahweh Elohim, Lord of Hosts
Dear God Almighty,
Just to update you on progress. Our subcontractors working on blood,
frogs, livestock and death of the firstborn are all on schedule for
completion Passover next. There was a slight communications breakdown
re hail, which I have personally sorted out. With respect to darkness,
our subcontractor has come up with an interesting proposal. How do you
feel about sunglasses for everyone?
My own firm is taking care of all the insects. We've got seven separate
swarms of locusts loaded up in transports ready for delivery. The gnats
are also all set and, as for the flies - you'll love this - we've picked
mayflies! We think these will make the ideal plague: not only do they
look good, but it's all over and done with in a day, so there's no messy
aftermath. We've got 200 hundredweight of pupae all timed to metamorphose
into adults on the exact date of the deadline, no extra charge!
Speaking of costs, our boils subcontractor informs me she cannot supply
a sufficient number of individuals with pus-filled sores to spread a
plague within the budget allocated. Apparently a recent upsurge in
hygiene has driven up prices. Would zits be a suitable low-cost
substitute for boils? There's never any shortage of spotty pubescents
and, as we all know, if you pick at zits they spread like wildfire.
Yours sincerely,
Manny Truelove
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From: Minor Mythologies (UK) Ltd.
To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
My dear Manny,
Disaster! It's those damn French farmers again! The minute our trucks
disembarked at Calais, they were surrounded and set alight. Risk of BSE,
the scoundrels claimed. Hah! Their filthy cheese isn't even pasteurised,
so who are they to point the finger?
The upshot is, we have several tons of charcoal-broiled beef, pork and
mutton. I don't suppose you can do anything with these? Only three hens
escaped the carnage. Because of their nationality, I expect; they're
French. I'll send them over to you.
Yours in sorrow,
Antonius
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From: Quetzalcoatl Trading
To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
Dear Mr. Truelove,
I appreciate that the deadline is now almost upon us. Unfortunately, it
is also upon all but a handful of our blood donors. I hope you will
consider honouring their sacrifice with a small donation to the bereaved
families.
The remaining nine donors are being sent to you together with a set of
matching ritual obsidian knives (invoice attached) and the blood supplies
we've extracted so far. I trust this will suffice to rustle up a smallish
plague. Perhaps a creek rather than a river?
Yours sincerely,
Kevin Montezuma
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From: Arthur Hades, Hades Enterprises
To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
*Firstborn*? I thought you said *frogspawn*! I've had my infernal minions
out for weeks obliterating all the frog's eggs they could find. In
future, kindly make yourself clear, dammit!
A.H.
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From: Belial Biotechnology
To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
Manny,
Sorry, no success in getting the ornamental horned toads to breed. I
guess if my partner looked like that, I'd be reluctant too. As we've
now reached the deadline, I'm sending them over to you. Try spiking
their food dispenser with Viagra or something.
Good luck,
Alexandra
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From: Nordic Pantheons AG
To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
Manny
Those six large white objects slowly melting in your goods bay are
icebergs. So make your own bloody hail! And next time, give a proper
job specification before you start hurling insults at people.
Thor
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From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
To: F. Apollo, Sun Macrocosms
Fred
I asked for 4 *million* pairs of sunglasses, you only sent four! Where
are the rest? The deadline for delivery was yesterday!
Manny
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From: Egyptian Customs Control
To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
Sirs,
Your transports carrying gnats, mayflies and locusts are not accompanied
by correctly filled-out customs clearance papers. They will be held at
the border until we receive proper documentation. You are advised to
hurry as there is no cover for your transports here, and it gets rather
hot round about noon.
Yours faithfully,
Sheik Yabouti, Customs Official
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From: Epidemics 'R' Us
To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
Dear Mr. Truelove,
As requested, I have sent the zit-infested pubescents directly to your
client to minimise delay. So you should only be a couple of days behind
schedule. Please do not worry about the fact that there are only ten of
the young fellows: they are very, *very* spotty. I'm sure they will be
equal to the task in hand.
Sincerely,
Mary Walker, Vice President for Communicable Diseases
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From: Bill Zebub; Driver, Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
To: Manny Truelove
Manny
Where the hell are those documents? We're already seven days past
deadline, the locusts are fainting in the heat, the gnats have escaped
except for a few dead ones, and all but eight of the mayfly pupae have
now moulted, so they'll be dead too by the time they're delivered!
Bill
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Heaven, Internal Memo
From: JHVH
To: Archangel Gabriel
Gabe,
On the 10th day past completion date, Manny Truelove sent to me:
10 pubescents picking
9 donors donating
8 mayflies moulting
7 swarms swooning
6 icebergs melting
5 dead gnats
4 sunglasses
3 French hens
2 horned toads
and a bill for $1,706,522.93
Remind me not to use these guys for the parting of the Dead Sea project.
The Boss
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