Fun_People Archive
1 Apr
Four Jewish Classics

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sat,  1 Apr 100 16:32:47 -0800
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Subject: Four Jewish Classics

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A Synagogue got really fed up with its Rabbi.  The Executive Committee met
and none-too-reluctantly, concluded that they'd have to let him go.

Trouble was - who'd want to take him - especially if it got out that he'd
been fired?  So the Executive Committee decided to give him a glowing letter
of recommendation. It compared the Rabbi to Shakespeare, Moses, and even
G-d Himself.  The recommendation was so warm that within six weeks the
Rabbi succeeded in securing himself a pulpit in a  major upwardly-mobile
Synagogue 500 miles away, at twice his original salary and with three junior
Rabbis working under him.

Needless to say, in a couple of months the Rabbi's new employers began to
observe some of his imperfections.  The President of the Rabbi's new pulpit
angrily called the President of the old Synagogue charging "We employed
this man mostly on the basis of  your recommendation. How could you possibly
compare him to Shakespeare, Moses, and even G-d Himself, when he can't
string together a correct sentence in English, when his knowledge of Hebrew
is worse than mine and that on top of everything else, he's a liar, a cheat
and an all-round low-life?"

"Simple," answered his colleague. "like Shakespeare, he has no Hebrew or
Jewish knowledge.  Like Moses, he can't speak English, and like G-d Himself-
'Er is nisht kan mensch!" (Roughly: "He's no human being!")

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A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris
gets out. The polite policeman explains that this elderly gentleman said
he was lost in the park... and couldn't find his way home.

"Oy Morris," says grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30
years!  So how could you get lost?"  Leaning close to grandma, so that the
policeman can't hear.  Morris whispers, "Lost I wasn't..... I was just too
tired to walk home."

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The rule in Israel, at least when I lived there, was that a new immigrant
could bring in normal household items duty free.  But anything that looked
like as if it was for resale in Israel was supposed to be subject to import
duty.  Yankel Levine, a new oleh, goes to Haifa port to claim his household
goods that have arrived by ship at last.

The excise officer notices on the manifest that Yankel is bringing in seven
refrigerators.  "Mr. Levine," says the officer, "one refrigerator is allowed
duty free, not seven."

"But I'm very frum [observant], and I need one refrigerator just for meat,
one just for dairy, and one just for parve [neutral]," says Yankel.  "All
right," says the officer with a sigh, "that makes three.  But seven?"
"Well, of course," says Yankel, "I need three for most of the year and
another three, meat, dairy, and parve, for Pesach [Passover]."

OK," says the officer, losing patience.  "That makes six.  What's the
seventh one for?"  "So nu," says Yankel, "if I want to eat a little treyf
[not kosher] once in a while?"

==============================================================================

A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various
religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance. The rabbi
explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and
penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of
self-denial and absolution from sins.

After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife about the
conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur. She
turns her head and laughs. The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear?"

Her response, "40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur...so, even when it
comes to sin, the goyim pay retail!"

© 2000 Peter Langston