Fun_People Archive
7 Mar
The Pgp Key of the Beast

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue,  7 Mar 100 14:42:09 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: The Pgp Key of the Beast

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From: http://www.WeeklyWorldNews.com/stories/1745.html

Is Your Computer Possesed by a Demon?

SAVANNAH, Ga. -- Your computer may be possessed by a demon, a leading
minister warns.
    "While the Computer Age has ushered in many advances, it has also opened
yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt
men's souls," said the Reverend Jim Peasboro, author of an upcoming book,
The Devil in the Machine.
    Demons are able to possess anything with a brain, from a chicken to a
human being. And today's thinking machines have enough space on their hard
drives to accommodate Satan or his pals.
    "Any PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil
spirit," the minister confirmed.
    The Savannah clergyman says he became aware of the problem from
counseling churchgoers.
    "I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with
a dark force whenever they used their computers," he said. "Decent, happily
married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic websites and
forced to witness unspeakable abominations.
    "Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering
Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language
they would never use normally.
    "One woman wept as she confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer
as if someone else or something else just takes over.' "
    The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the
parishioner's computer himself. To his surprise, an artificial-intelligence
program fired up -- without him clicking it on.  "The program began talking
directly to me, openly mocked me," he recalls. "It typed out, 'Preacher,
you are a weakling and your God is a damn liar.' "
    Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like
gobbledygook.
    "I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister
said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a
2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!"
    Since, then, Rev. Peasboro has researched the problem further and
uncovered alarming facts.
    "I learned most of the youths involved in school shootings like the
tragedy at Columbine were computer buffs," he said. "I have no doubt that
computer demons exerted an influence on them."
    The minister estimates that one in 10 computers in America now houses
some type of evil spirit.
    Rev. Peasboro advises that if you suspect your computer is possessed,
you consult a clergyman or, if the computer is still under warranty, take
it in for servicing. He says, "Technicians can replace the hard drive and
reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently."
______________________________________________________________________________

From: Brooks_Talley

>Housewives who had never expressed an impure
>thought were entering Internet chat rooms and
>found themselves spewing foul, debasing language
>they would never use normally

I guess that begs the question: is anonymity Satanic?

>The minister estimates that one in 10 computers
>in America now houses some type of evil spirit

And I definitely think I'm running much higher than that
1 in 10 number.  As a matter of fact, I'm batting 1000.
Perhaps more, since several of my systems seem to be
inhabited by whole families of evil spirits.
______________________________________________________________________________

From: Andy Hickmott

> "Any PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an
> evil spirit," the minister confirmed.

This puts the storage requirements of your basic possessin' devil at
somewhere under 40M.  The article, unfortunately, does not reveal the CRC
of the Beast.
______________________________________________________________________________

From: Luke McGuff

Sounds like Satan's hardware requirements are less stringent than Windows
98's.
______________________________________________________________________________

From: Todd Larason

You missed the best quote!

"Rev. Peasboro advises that if you suspect your computer is possessed, you
consult a clergyman or, if the computer is still under warranty, take it in
for servicing."

I've been laughing all day at the image of some poor joe at CompUSA or Frye's
dealing with a customer insisting that the warranty covers exorcisms.
______________________________________________________________________________

From: Steve Lamont

> >The minister estimates that one in 10 computers
> >in America now houses some type of evil spirit
>
> And I definitely think I'm running much higher than that
> 1 in 10 number.  As a matter of fact, I'm batting 1000.
> Perhaps more, since several of my systems seem to be
> inhabited by whole families of evil spirits.

I thought Microsoft's market share was vastly more that 1 in 10.

							spl
______________________________________________________________________________

From: Anne M Merritt

>>The minister estimates that one in 10 computers
>>in America now houses some type of evil spirit

>And I definitely think I'm running much higher than that
>1 in 10 number.  As a matter of fact, I'm batting 1000.
>Perhaps more, since several of my systems seem to be
>inhabited by whole families of evil spirits.
>
>-b

It's the network - the possessed computers themselves
aren't the problem specifically.  You can exorcise your
systems of evil spirits all you like, but until you can
work the non-productive daemons (after all, some daemons
are welcome) out of the network, they'll always come back
into the systems.  Find yourself a Caribbean (preferably
from Jamaica or Haiti) sysadmin - he/she will know what
to do.


Anne Marie
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