Fun_People Archive
24 Oct
Three worst Chinese torture tests

Date: Tue, 24 Oct 95 21:29:18 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Three worst Chinese torture tests

[It has a certain childish charm...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
Forwarded-by: akrstic@novatel.ca (I AM NOT AN ANIMAL)
Forwarded-by: jdavis@novatel.ca
Forwarded-by: bobynd@cuug.ab.ca

                Three worst Chinese torture tests

  A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's
  been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could
  forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

  One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines
  covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the
  area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone
  is home.

  He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down
  to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

  The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had
  a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I
  could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

  The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You
  cannot mess around with my grandaughter"

  The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agrees, saying "I promise I
  won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning"

  The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you, then I'll give
  you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."

  "OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house.  Besides, he thought
  to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her
  life?

  Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he
  saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and
  while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months
  without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk
  besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes
  off each other throughout the meal.

  That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a
  time, but had kept the noise down to minimum.  The man crept back to
  his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests
  would be worth it after that experience."

  Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He
  opened his eyes and there was a huge rock on his chest. On the rock was
  a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

  "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and
  walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.
  On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese
  torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".

  The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps
  out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying
  "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

© 1995 Peter Langston