Fun_People Archive
23 Oct
Five Questions Explained

Date: Mon, 23 Oct 95 17:28:51 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Five Questions Explained

Forwarded-by: joev@halcyon.com (Joe Vinikow)
Forwarded-by: david.coble@equinox.org (David Coble)

Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask men.

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to
an article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine.

The five questions are:

1 -  "What are you thinking?"
2 -  "Do you love me?"
3 -  "Do I look fat?"
4 -  "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 -  "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode
into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly,
which is to say dishonestly.  For example:

1 -  "What are you thinking?"

The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear.  I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring,
thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am
to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever
to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one
of five things:

a -  Baseball
b -  Football
c -  How fat you are
d -  How much prettier she is than you
e -  How he would spend the insurance money if you died

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came
from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg.
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:


2 -  "Do you love me?"

The correct answer to this question is, "Yes."  For those guys who feel the
need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."  Wrong answers
include:

a -  I suppose so.
b -  Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c -  That depends on what you mean by "love".
d -  Does it matter?
e -  Who, me?


3 -  "Do I look fat?"

The correct male response to this question is to state confidently and
emphatically, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:

a -  I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b -  Compared to what?
c -  A little extra weight looks good on you.
d -  I've seen fatter.
e -  Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
     policy.


4 -  "Do you think she's prettier than me?"

The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were
staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress
in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are
much prettier."  Wrong answers include:

a -  Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b -  I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c -  Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d -  Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your insurance
     policy.


5 -  "What would you do if I died?"

Correct answer:  "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life
would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under
the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."  This
might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the
following stupid exchange:

"Dear," said the wife.  "What would you do if I died?"

"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why
do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?"  persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.

"Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

"Yes" said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a
long pause.

"Well yes, I suppose I would."  replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear
my old clothes?

"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily.  "And would you take down the
pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear," said the husband.  "She's left-handed..."

© 1995 Peter Langston