Fun_People Archive
21 Aug
Headlines
Date: Mon, 21 Aug 95 15:37:32 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Headlines
Forwarded-by: lanih@info.SIMS.Berkeley.EDU (Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: witteman@iii.com
Forwarded-by: Linda Zwerdling <lindaz>
Forwarded-by: REBECCA.BARBER@syntex.com
----<further fwds deleted>---
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
* Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
* House passes gas tax onto senate
* Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
* William Kelly was fed secretary
* Milk drinkers are turning to powder
* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
* Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
* Farmer bill dies in house
* Iraqi head seeks arms
Some become unintentionally suggestive:
* Queen Mary having bottom scraped
* Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
* Prostitutes appeal to Pope
* Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
* NJ judge to rule on nude beach
* Child's stool great for use in garden
* Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
* Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
* Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Grammar often botches other headlines:
* Eye drops off shelf
* Squad helps dog bite victim
* Dealers will hear car talk at noon
* Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
* Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
* Miners refuse to work after death
* Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
* Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning
opposite from the one intended:
* Never withhold herpes from loved one
* Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
* Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
* Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:
* If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
* War dims hope for peace
* Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
* Cold wave linked to temperatures
* Child's death ruins couple's holiday
* Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
* Man is fatally slain
* Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
* Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
© 1995 Peter Langston