Fun_People Archive
11 Jul
A Comedy Central Contract With America

Date: Tue, 11 Jul 95 18:21:33 PDT
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: A Comedy Central Contract With America

Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)

	(Full page ad in the New York Times, 1/18/95.)

Here at Comedy Central, we think the contract with American was a good
start -- if you like halfway measures.  That's why we pledge, in writing,
to work for these common sense reforms.

1. Stop violent criminals before they commit their first crime.

We all know who breaks the law in this country.  As soon as they're too
old for orphanages, let's get 'em into the prisons where they belong.

2. Get back to work, grampa.

Enough with this Social Security foolishness.  Either you old people start
earning a living like the hard-working middle class, or it's off to prison
for you.

3. Build a strong national defense with really big weapons and death
rays and stuff.

If there's one thing we like more than prisons, it's really big weapons.

4. Give American industry a break.

What is it that makes waste "toxic"?  Just how low is a "minimum" wage?
When do working conditions become "dangerous"?  Do these questions really
need to be answered?

5. Combine congressional term limits with the death penalty.

Congressman may run for as many terms as they wish.  But should they run
for re-election and lose, they die.

6. Three strikes and you're out.

Well, *duh*!

© 1995 Peter Langston