Fun_People Archive
18 May
From the WhiteBoard

Date: Thu, 18 May 95 12:09:41 PDT
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: From the WhiteBoard

Forwarded-by: <joeha@microsoft.com>
Via: WhiteBoard News for May 17, 1995

New York, New York:

John Ashman, a retired Houston, Texas, mapmaker, wrote
this year's worst opening sentence in the Bulwer-Lytton
Fiction Contest, which (dis)honors the 19th-century
novelist who penned, "It was a dark and stormy night."

Wrote Ashman: "Paul Revere had just discovered that
someone in Boston was a spy for the British, and when
he saw the young woman believed to be the spy's
girlfriend in an Italian restaurant, he said to the
waiter, 'Hold the spumoni -- I'm going to follow the
chick an' catch a Tory.'"
==========

Portland, Oregon:

Is this how Superman got his start?  Or was that Ace
Ventura?

Well, neither of them have anything on Fred Abel of
Reedsport, Oregon.

What happened Sunday night to the 68-year-old man was
really real.

A gunman shot Abel in the face late Sunday in Portland,
but he survived.

By the skin of his teeth, that is.

"The guy was visiting his brother-in-law while he was
on his way to Spokane," said Lt. C.W. Jensen, spokesman
for the Portland Police Bureau.

Jensen said Abel went back outside to fetch his bags
from his car when a man pulled up and shouted an
obscenity at him.

"Allegedly, the guy pulls up next to him," Jensen said,
"leans out the passenger window and then fires through
the glass."

Abel's false teeth stopped the slug, and he wasn't even
seriously hurt.

He was checked out at a nearby hospital, and doctors
found through X-rays that Abel apparently swallowed the
bullet out of reflex.

Police hope to recover the slug in a few days.

[Gee, I hope everything comes out okay... -psl]
==========

Arlington, Virginia:

Five months after returning to the world of cuticle
clippers and nail polish, Lorena Bobbitt is a much-
sought-after manicurist in Northern Virginia.

Bobbitt, known worldwide as the woman who cut off her
husband's penis with a kitchen knife, was hired in
January as a manicurist at Illusions Hair Salon in
Arlington, where the owner said she has been swamped
with clients.

Since Bobbitt joined Illusions, said salon owner Irma
Wheeler, curiosity about her has attracted many new
clients -- particularly men -- who buy each other gift
certificates for a session with a local celebrity.

"When people come in, they specifically say they want
Lorena to do their nails," Wheeler said.  "The poor
thing doesn't get a break."
==========


Tel Aviv, Israel:

Coming in July: McDonald's first kosher restaurant.

The restaurant, opening near Tel Aviv, will be the
first to adhere to Jewish dietary laws banning the
mixing of dairy and meat products, McDonald's Israel
said.

Two other kosher McDonald's restaurants are scheduled
to open this summer in Israel.  Burger King already has
a kosher branch in Jerusalem.

[Is it kosher to mix beef and worm?  -psl]
==========

Fast News Forum:

A Highland, Utah, family that "started feeling strange"
was treated at a hospital after eating marijuana
brownies baked by the 18-year-old son for Mother's Day,
police said.  Police Chief John Lilly said, "We plan to
throw the book at this little twerp."

© 1995 Peter Langston