Fun_People Archive
10 May
Bull Extracts

Date: Wed, 10 May 95 00:04:19 PDT
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Bull Extracts

Extracted-from: BONG Bull No. 321!
Forwarded-by: mlinksva@netcom.com (Mike Linksvayer)

...

HEADS WILL ROLL.  One PJLAFORGE@delphi.com reports: "Here's one of
the more famous headlines to run in the York (Pa.) Dispatch. It seems
that the city council president, a fellow named Don Murphy, thought a
monument to the city's 250th anniversary was a waste of tax dollars. The
headline: 'Murphy hits 250th monument erection.' What a braggart!"

IS IT EASIER OVER AMONG THE OTHER GUYS?  Examples of books recently
written by writers and published by publishers, who order their
rejection slips in pads for when newspaper people send in novels, and
this just doesn't make a whole lot of sense:
     -- The Teach Your Chicken to Fly Training Manual, by Trevor Weekes
(Ten Speed Press, 36(!) pp., $9.95).  It's about building a practice
frame with little sylvan and urban landscapes, and a harness, to teach
your pet chicken to fly.  The same publisher recently did a $5.95 book
of two pages of bubble wrap, barely three minutes worth of popping fun
and for $5.95 you can get a whole roll of the stuff at an office supply
shop good for maybe half an hour of staff meeting diversion.
     -- The Official Sexually Correct Dictionary and Dating Guide, by
Henry Beard and Christopher Cerf (Random House/Villard, 238 pp., $10).
Well, maybe this one has some useful data in it, like the news that talk
is oppressive during foreplay (the Antioch College Sexual Offense Policy
holds that it might persuade coeds to go further than if not coaxed) and
Zsuszanna Emese Budapest (the feminist witch, no kidding) says shopping
awakens the Wild Woman Within by reviving foraging instincts.
     -- The Book of Vices, edited by Robert J. Hutchinson (Riverhead
Books, 280 pp., $18), a collection of short bits about the Seven Deadly
Sins.  The excerpt from Flaubert's Madame Bovary on pp. 157-8 describes
a banquet layout which, if served to the boys on the bus in time for the
New Hampshire primary, would guarantee at least 11 minutes of primetime
news coverage for the host candidate, 309 newspaper endorsements and 54
convention delegates.  It's under Gluttony for some reason; ought to be
in Lust.
     -- Punchlines; How to Start a Fight in Any Bar in the World, by
David "Boom-Boom" Goines.  It's another from those Ten Speed Press
people, and it's 1,919 walkoffs of common jokes for $5.95.  No jokes,
just punchlines.  The Reviews and Editorial Standards Committee enjoyed
No. 1,386, "And God says, 'Coppola!  Coppola!!! I got to make a profit
on this thing!" and No. 1,051, "Yeah, but that fokker was a
Messerschmidt!" but collected only a plurality on No. 518, "The
brunette; the blonde would have to stop to ask for directions."

...

COMIX SECTION.  The Further Adventures of Herman "Speed" Graphic, Ace
Photographer for the Chagrin Falls Commercial Scimitar, and his Faithful
Companion, Typo the Wonder Pig.
     PANEL ONE:  Glumly, Speed huddles in his trenchcoat, a deathbed
gift from an ancient mystic wire service executive editor on a fog-
shrouded eastern island, as Typo reviews notes in a thick folder,
enumerating, "So, Boss!  Let's see how you've done on your New Year's
Counter-Resolutions so far..."
     Speed grumbles, "I deal with dreamers, and telephone screamers...!"
     PANEL TWO:  Typo continues, "No hinting that this year you really
will dance with Features Editor Hyperba Lee at the office dog wash,
check!  No subbing John Doe 2 for Absentee Publisher Gimlet Peen's milk-
carton photo, improving, conditional check!"
     Speed observes, "Don't know what I do it for!  If I had my way, I'd
go right out that door...!"
     PANEL THREE:  Typo verifies, "No talking about backward-masking
around the rock music critic, check!  No booby-trapping John Tesh Fan
Club T-shirts with dye bombs and embarrassing the TV staff, check! No
sub-letting our libel insurance, improving, conditional check!"
     Speed brightens, singing, "...And I'd wander, down the Champs
d'Elysees...!"
     PANEL FOUR:  Typo turns a page, reciting, "No fudging travel
vouchers with domestic towns named similar to foreign capitals ... um,
say, there's a box blank here, Boss ... Boss?  Boss?"
     PANEL FIVE:  On the phone to Bookkeeping, Typo avers, "Honest,
guys!  I don't care who you saw on CNN marching by the Arc de Triomphe,
maybe the Foreign Legion does have a dress-trenchcoat parade uniform and
Mr. Graphic is nowhere near there, he's in Texas!  I got his expense
claim for it right here in front of me!"

...

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© 1995 Peter Langston