Fun_People Archive
26 Apr
Excerpts from BONG Bull No. 319

Date: Wed, 26 Apr 95 13:55:49 PDT
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Excerpts from BONG Bull No. 319

Forwarded-by: mlinksva@netcom.com (Mike Linksvayer)

            Copyright (c) 1995 by BONG.  All rights reserved.
...

HEADS WILL ROLL.  Deborah Blankenberg (75041.2207@compuserve.com)
reports, "Thought you might enjoy a headline that has attained legendary
status in The Orange County (Calif.) Register newsroom. It appeared some
years back on the cover of the Food section. The subject was eggs. Over
a color photo of a woman's foot in a red shoe, its spike heel resting
ever so gently on a raw yolk, the headline read, "Whip them, beat them,
but respect them in the morning."
     -- A scribe known by his log-on of BrBlansett@aol.com
recalls one from the Ada (Okla.) Evening News. "Vanoss High
School had two star basketball players who were sisters, Jana and Darla
Bottoms. One night they scored something like 60 points between them.
The headline was to read 'Vanoss Rolls as Bottoms Girls Shine' but was
pasted up as 'Girls Bottoms Shine as Vanoss Rolls.'
     "The other career moment happened at a mid-sized Texas newspaper
owned by sisters known well to you and me (Ed. note: Cox?) and located
in a town famous for its large Baptist university (Baylor?) and gun-
wagging cultists (Waco?). The obit was for a woman, perhaps a bit
portly, and was to say 'A Mass of Christian Burial will be 7 p.m.
Tuesday,' but came across the city desk saying  'A massive Christian
burial will be...'"
     -- Contributor JHarbut@aol.com spake, "Let me offer my two
cents' worth for your headline free-for-all... There are still a few
staffers left at a small bi-weekly newspaper in Burbank, California who
remember a legendary headline written by the paper's own managing editor
a few years back. Mind you, there were few lines of defense in catching
headline errors at the time, and as nice a guy the M.E. was, he was not
the most lucid fellow at times (he's since retired). Anyway, the story
was about a local hospital giving old sheets to a charitable
organization, but somehow the M.E.'s mistake made its way to the printed
page and the headline read: 'Hospital gives shits to local charity.'"
     -- Playboy's Chip Rowe avers, "Charley, I cannot stay silent any
longer. During my days at AJR, I kept two folders for the popular
feature we called "Take 2" (they pay $25 a shot for the ones they use
-- if anyone's interested in more than the glory of seeing their e-mail
address in Bong Bull). Funny headlines, corrections and such. One folder
was possible candidates, the other was 'no way in hell I'm running that
cause I'm the editor and we're a family publication' types sent in by
the sickos (the universe of which, in journalism, is infinite)."
     Lesbian Says She Feels More Whole (The Denver Post).
     Building a Huge Organ the Old Way, by Hand (The New York Times).
     Dick Continues to Promote Extended Flute Technique (The Buffalo
News).
     Third Marsalis Brother Blows Forth (Boston Herald).

...

COMIX SECTION.  The Further Adventures of Herman "Speed" Graphic, Ace
Photographer for the Chagrin Falls Commercial Scimitar, and his Faithful
Companion, Typo the Wonder Pig.
     PANEL ONE:  The Deft Duo watch fans of Lush Dimbulb and T. Moron
Piddly, Radio Chagrin talk show hosts, carry their Normal American
heroes on their shoulders after another triumphal hour of slamming
everybody not in the studio.
    Speed queries, "What do you think, Typo!  There must be a thousand
people in that cheering crowd!"
   PANEL TWO:  Typo observes, "And all with that misshapen look of the
true believer, Boss!  Look how they salute while they throw rotten
vegetables at City Hall!  Observe the fervor in their torchlight
toppling of the mailboxes at Government Square! My heavenly days,
they're singing patriotic hymns as they kick the Old Folks' Bench to
pieces in Chagrin Park and spread shredded glass in the sandbox of the
kiddie playground!"
    PANEL THREE:  Speed, shivering in his trenchcoat, a deathbed gift
from an ancient mystic wire service executive editor on a fog-shrouded
eastern island, asks, "What's that they're writing in flames on the lawn
of the day care center -- ?  `You can't blame a whole class for the
actions of a few individuals!'  Is that right, Typo?"
    PANEL FOUR:  Typo reports, "Wait, Boss!  They're spelling out a
footnote in broken toys ... It says, `Except kids who eat free school
lunches!'"
    PANEL FIVE:  As the smoke clears over the plaza, Speed and Typo
thoughtfully head for the rooming house as Speed suggests, "If we hurry,
Typo, we can catch Lush telling Donahue again that he's just an
entertainer!"
    Typo sighs, "Not hardly, Boss!  When winners act like such losers,
that's not entertaining at all!"

BONG Bull, newsletter of the Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild, is the
sole creation of Chief Copyboy Charley Stough, Dayton Daily News, 45 S.
Ludlow St., Dayton, Ohio 45401.  E-mail copyboy@dmapub.dma.org.
Phone (513) 225-2445 after 3 p.m. eastern. Fax 225-2489.
To subscribe to BONG Bull:  E-mail to LISTSERV@NETCOM.COM.  In the
text say SUBSCRIBE BONG-L.

© 1995 Peter Langston