Fun_People Archive
7 Apr
A Standardized Guide to the "Bases"

Date: Fri,  7 Apr 95 19:49:35 PDT
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: A Standardized Guide to the "Bases"

Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: <OMITTED@alexandria.lib.utah.edu>
Forwarded-by: Jeremy Jonsson  <PJONSSON@ADMIN.LIB.UTAH.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Eliphaz@aol.com
Forwarded-by: Mindee.Pullman@m.cc.utah.edu (Mindee Pullman)

	Standardized Guide to the Bases
	-------------------------------

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school?  If so, do you
remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?  "Yeah man, at
the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!"

Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base?  Tongue
kissing?  Up the shirt?  No one was really sure.  Also, the bases tended
to get progressively more intense as you got older.  What's a person to
do?  Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe
sexual activity.  But let's face it, there are more than four stages in
today's day and age of sex play.  So, in the interests of both bringing
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance
and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to
the Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

First Base:
	This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought
	it meant holding hands.  Sometimes it was tongue kissing and
	sometimes not.

Second Base:
	Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside
	the clothes genital contact.

Third Base:
	Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

Home Run:
	This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times
	when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well, that system is OK, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex
drive.  But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter
the equation, such as oral sex?  And what about the exact definitions?
Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present
without further ado...

The Standardized Guide to the Bases!

On Deck:	Having plans for a date.
Strike-Out:	Duh!!
Walk:		Kissing.
Bunt:		Masturbation.
Single:		Tongue kissing.
Double:		Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing
		and feels.
Triple:		Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation.
Inside the park home run:
		Oral Sex
Home Run:	SEX!
Ground Rule Double:
		Would have sex, but no condom.
Error:		Condom breaks during sex.
Banned for life for gambling:
		Sex without condom.
Hall of Fame:	Marriage

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better
explain all the things that can happen now-a-days.

Balk:		Premature ejaculation.
Pine Tar:	KY jelly.
Relief pitcher:	Vibrator.
Rain Delay:	Parents/roommate return home unexpectedly.
Box Seats:	Waterbed.
Seventh Inning Stretch:
		Unusual positions.
Rookie:		Virgin.
Minor Leagues:	Under 18.

Loaded Bases:	Menage-a-trois.
Grand Slam:	Sex three times in twelve hours.
Foul tip:	VD
Three up and three down:
		Impotency.

Now that we have the definitions, let's quickly contrast the old
confusion with current clarity.

OLD WAY:
	We, ummm, got to third base I guess and then we, ummm, got
	like past third base, but not to home plate.  I really like
	her.

NEW WAY:
	First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park
	home run, and I started thinking, it's hall of fame time.

Or:
	So there I was, with the bases loaded and nobody out, when
	I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call
	in a relief pitcher.

Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion
and helps you out.

© 1995 Peter Langston