Fun_People Archive
21 Feb
The College Food Chain

Date: Tue, 21 Feb 95 20:55:19 PST
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: The College Food Chain

Forwarded-by: lanih@irony.Berkeley.EDU (Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: jmichael@sas.upenn.edu

Mariana M. Chilton wrote:
 
 The College Food Chain
 
  THE DEAN
  Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
  Is more powerful than a locomotive
  Is faster than a speeding bullet
  Walks on water
  Gives policy to God
 
  THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
  Leaps short buildings in a single bound
  Is more powerful than a switch engine
  Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
  Talks with God
 
  PROFESSOR
  Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
  Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
  Is faster than a speeding BB
  Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
  Talks with God if a special request is honored
 
  ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
  Barely clears a quonset hut
  Loses tug of war with a locomotive
  Can fire a speeding bullet
  Swims well
  Is occassionally addressed by God
 
  ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
  Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
  Is run over by locomotives
  Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
  Treads water
  Talks to animals
 
  INSTRUCTOR
  Climbs walls continually
  Rides the rails
  Plays Russian Roulette
  Walks on thin ice
  Prays a lot
 
  GRADUATE STUDENT
  Runs into buildings
  Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
  Is not issued ammunition
  Can stay afloat with a life jacket
  Talks to walls
 
  UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
  Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
  Says "Look at the choo-choo"
  Wets himself with a water pistol
  Plays in mud puddles
  Mumbles to himself
 
  DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
  Lifts buildings and walks under them
  Kicks locomotives off the tracks
  Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them
  Freezes water with a single glance
  S/he IS God.

© 1995 Peter Langston