Fun_People Archive
21 Feb
Pentium Awards & a Cool User Program

Date: Tue, 21 Feb 95 20:26:29 PST
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Pentium Awards & a Cool User Program

Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
Forwarded-by: nmehl@bem3a19.attmail.com (nmehl)
From: "Boston Computer Currents" Magazine, February 1995; Lincoln
 Spector's "First Annual Pentium Awards", "...to honor last year's
 most questionable achievements in computer science and marketing..."

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN NAMING AN OPERATING SYSTEM 

This is a tough one.  How do you choose between IBM's call to
"Get Warped!" and Microsoft's attaching a year to the former
"Chicago?"  In the end, I had to give the bronze raspberry to
Microsoft.  Why?  In two years, "Warp" will sound no sillier
than it does today, while the name "Windows 95" will be
downright embarrassing, especially if the program hasn't shipped
yet.  Personally, I was rooting for "Windows for Godot."


BEST NEW ACRONYM

Intellicorp wins this traditional award with a methodology called
Object-Oriented Information Engineering (OOIE).  I believe it
runs on your GUI.  Let's hope it doesn't go kablooie.

_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
Forwarded-by: cal (Cal Collier)
 
 WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER
 
 REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC users
 concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system,
 Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User Program for
 Windows 95."  To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at
 which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension.  The user
 will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the
 Windows 95 ship date.

 "We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint
 themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset
 of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft
 spokesman.  These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another
 momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible
 leaps in human evolution."

 Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area
 will be needed for the storage facility.  "We have chosen the state of
 Utah," stated Microsoft,"because nobody lives there, anyway."
 Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this
 remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.

 IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions
 with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching
 Microsoft's "Cool User" program.  "Freeze people?  What for?  Warp has
 already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be
 identified.

 Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as
 a "bold, innovative" move.  In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion
 column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims,"IBM
 has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy.  Users
 clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like
 units for an indeterminate period of time."  Michael S. Brown made
 national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT
 didn't completely replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to
 grating comedian Gilbert Godfried.  Today he clarifies that "I didn't
 say *which* six months."

 The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995,
 but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of
 US$3,000.

© 1995 Peter Langston