Fun_People Archive
24 Apr
Bill and Leo's Excellent Encounter

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 100 12:58:55 -0700
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Subject: Bill and Leo's Excellent Encounter

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From: The New York Times, Sunday, April 9, 2000

Bill and Leo's Excellent Encounter

--------------------------------------------
    By; John B. Kenney
--------------------------------------------

    WASHINGTON, March 31 - The actor Leonardo DiCaprio, the star
  of "Titanic," assumed a new role today, interviewing President
  Clinton about global warming for ABC News.
						- The New York Times

[Leonardo DlCaprio] So dude. This place is awesome.
[President Clinton] Thank you, Leo.
[L.D.] It's almost as big as my place in Malibu.
[B.C.] I enjoyed "Titanic."  The ending made me sad.
[L.D.] Don't get me started.  I told James Cameron, I said: "Cameron, man,
listen to me.  Everyone should think I've drowned, froze, whatever.  Only,
right at the end, I burst through the surface of the water, all blue, because
I've been holding my breath."
[B C.] Well that sure is neat.  What'd he say?
[L.D.] He said it was stupid.  My guru says just let it go.  Inner harmony,
that's my thing now.  You hungry?
[B.C.] Sure.  We can get food here any time.  What would you like?
[L.D.] They've got me on this new diet.  No dairy, no meat, no carbonation.
Apparently my chakras are blocked.
[B.C.] I had that once.  From heavy cream.  Hey Bobby?  Rustle up some grub,
would ya' son?  A fruit plate for the King of the World here and I'll have a
couple of cheeseburgers and a pecan pie.

    (Pause)

[L.D.] Dude.  Is the world getting warmer or what?
[B.C.] Well, Leo, that's a question of great concern to my administration.
In 1992, when I took office, I made a pledge to the American people to place
a ban on so-called CFC's, chloroflourocarbons.  In that time, due to the work
of a bipartisan commission --
[L.D.] You know who's cool is that John McCann.
[B.C.] McCain?
[L.D.] I guess.  The Germans, they like tortured the guy for 20 years or something.
[B.C.] I hadn't heard that.

    (Pause)

[L.D.] I'm taking Tai Chi.
[B.C.] That's nice.
[L.D.] It's not just for old Chinese ladies, ya' know.
[B.C.] Is that so?
[L.D.] I swear this room is round, not oval.
[B.C.] Hey! The food's here!
[L.D.] Cool.

    (L ong pause)

[L.D.] Okay, so last summer, right?  I'm out in L A in, like, August and
it's, I don't know, like 95 degrees.  I'm sitting by the pool, just, like,
reading this book on breathing and I just couldn't believe how hot it was.
And I got to thinking, "Is this what they mean by global warming?  Or is thls
just the summer?"
[B.C.] Leo, you bring up an important point. Global warming is something
that concerns many Americans, indeed, many people all over the world.  When I
was at Oxford, I read Rachel Carson's 1962 best-seller "Silent Spring" and
it moved me very deeply.  Then, in 1989 I read Bill McKibben's "The End of
Nature."  It warned of a rise in global temperatures of three to nine degrees
over the coming decades, a rise in sea levels to dangerous heights, heat
waves the likes of which mankind has never experlenced.  Pie?
[L.D.] Sure.
[B.C.] Cool Whip?  It's non-dairy.

    (Pause)

[L.D.] D'you ever watch "Blind Date?"
[B.C.] I love that show.  And "MTV Spring Break 2000."

    (Pause)

[L.D.] Dude, what is up with the ozone?  There's a club In New York,
Oh-Zone, in the meat-packing district, but that's completely different,
right?  The thing they're talking about, that's a place in, like, space.
[B.C.] That's right, Leo.  The ozone is a thin, membranous layer that
protects the earth from harmful - and potentially deadly - ultraviolet
radiation.  Without the ozone layer, life on Earth simply couldn't exist.
[L.D.] Wow.
[B.C.] And that's why, in 1996, I urged the G-7 nations to act with the
United States to implement a first-of-its-kind treaty to reduce ozone
emissions in the major industrialized nations by the year 2002.
[L.D.] Is this the same office that John Kennedy was in?
[B.C.] Yes.
[L.D.] He was cool.
[B.C.] Why, yes, he was.  I met him.
[L.D.] No way. That was, like, a hundred years ago.
[B.C.] It sure seems like it, but it was 1961.
[L.D.] That's messed up.  Was there global warming then?
[B.C.] Certainly the beginnings of it, yes.  And that's why my administration--
[L.D.] Here's the thing I don't understand.  No one really likes the winter,
right?  I mean, people love getting away.  And, like, home heating oil is,
I've heard, expensive.  So why is global warming a bad thing if it's keeping
us all warm?
[B.C.] You bring up an excellent question.  I believe that the--
[L.D.] So how much longer you going to be president?
[B.C.] A little less than a year.
[L.D.] So how come you're leaving?
[B.C.] Well, a president can only serve for two four-year terms.
[L.D.] Dude, that's lame.
[B.C.] Yeah.
[L.D.] Well, listen.  This has been great, but I'm meeting some people in
France.  The Riviera.  Just chill for a few days in the sun.  Global warming,
man.  That's where it's at.

© 2000 Peter Langston