A Kiss is Just a Kiss
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 11 May 99 01:47:00 -0700
Subject: A Kiss is Just a Kiss
Forwarded-by: Dan Hunt <firstname.lastname@example.org>
A LIGHT HEARTED LOOK AT BAD KISSERS
The Roto Rooter: Their tongue ventures so far down your throat that it
actually begins to choke you.
The Rooster: They begin to kiss you, then suddenly pull way . . .lean
forward, then draw back!
The Swordfish: They operate their tongue much like a swordfish uses it's
snout, in a blunt and violent manner.
The Grouper: As they kiss you, their lips (which could require their own
zip code) completely engulf yours.
The Deep Sea Diver: They rarely come up for air.
The Lizard: Their tongue darts in and out of your mouth like a reptile
probing for its next victim.
Frozen in Time: They never change the position, posture or angle of their
head. It is as if they have mastered kissing cryogenics.
The Squid: They seem to excrete an awful flavor. All you can think of is
how to slip them a breath mint.
The Wrecking Ball: They kiss like a battering ram. Whoa, look out, here they
Nick-o-Teen: Kissing them is like licking the contents of a dirty ash tray.
When you're done, you feel like taking a shower.
DR RUDE'S DEFINITION OF KISSES
Aristotelian kiss -- a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from
theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels
that the latter is irrelevant anyway.
Hegelian kiss -- a dialectical technique in which the kiss incorporates its
own antikiss, forming a synthekiss, whatever that means.
Wittgensteinian kiss -- The important thing about this type of kiss is that
it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we
associate with the experience of the kiss--which must necessarilly also be
differentiated from the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not
be by any means the same or even similar for the different people
experiencing the act) rather than the act itself and, as such, one must be
careful not to make unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the
experience thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology
Godelian kiss -- a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet leaves
you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.
Socratic kiss -- actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be
the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared
to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more
and cover more ground.
Kantian kiss -- a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is
performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't
actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best
kiss you've ever given or received.
Kafkaesque kiss -- a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to
transform you but ends up just bugging you.
Sartrean kiss -- a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though
it really doesn't matter anyway.
Russell-Whiteheadian kiss -- a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue
movement is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up
seeming incomplete somehow.
Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss -- Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me. Pythagorean
kiss -- a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and wonderful
techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others would find
out about them and start using them.
Cartesian kiss -- A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I
think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian
unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been
kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater
nose-to-nose contact, but colder overall.)
Heisenbergian kiss -- a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the less
sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble
you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of
kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so
high that you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses
have the advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room
with you to enjoy them.
Nietzscheian kiss -- "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust
Epimenidian kiss -- a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.
Grouchoic kiss -- a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would
not kiss him or her.
Harpoic kiss -- shut up and kiss me.
Zenoian kiss -- your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually
Procrustean kiss -- well, suffice it to say that it is a technique that,
once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied
to areas of the anatomy other than the lips.
© 1999 Peter Langston