11/9/98 - The Top 13 Items on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 98 14:58:06 -0800
Subject: 11/9/98 - The Top 13 Items on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List
From: "The Top 5 List" <email@example.com>
T H E T O P F I V E L I S T
Made Fresh Daily
November 9, 1998
BACKGROUND: In the aftermath of the dismal showing by the
Republican Party in last week's elections, Newt Gingrich,
chief architect of the Republicans' "Contract With America,"
announced that he will retire from Congress rather than risk
the embarrassment of being ousted by his own party from his
position as Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives.
The Top 13 Items on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List
13> Bribe college officials into letting me teach an ethics class.
12> Before turning in House MasterCard, book first class tickets for
urgent fact-finding mission to Tahiti.
11> 1) Borrow another $300,000 from Bob Dole
2) Go to The Gap
3) Buy Trans Am
4) Grow goatee
5) Hire interns.
10> Switch to new, cooler nickname: "Salamander"
9> Now that I've got some time, put flowers on first wife's grave.
8> Nothing out of the ordinary: Write a few articles, make a couple
of luncheon speeches, do some needlepoint.
7> Dismantle social programs: Done.
Restructure tax laws to further benefit the wealthy: Done.
Have democratically-elected President impeached for getting some: ...Damn!
6> Put a stop payment on most recent check to Paula Jones.
5> Retain lawyer for breach of contract suit against Satan.
4> Promote newest book: "Quitting for Dummies"
3> Reduce dosage of mean-bastard pills.
2> Call Limbaugh and Buchanan about "3 Windbags" mega-tour.
and Top5's Number 1 Item on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List...
1> Tell Democrats that their lips "can make a contract with my ass."
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