Fun_People Archive
27 Oct
25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years (Dave Barry)

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 27 Oct 98 16:15:06 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: 25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years  (Dave Barry)

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
[Almost all of these things I find to be true (unlike the usual list of
 "interesting facts").  The only part that rings false has to do with the
 interchangeability of certain soft drinks -- at least to us connoisseurs...
-psl]

Forwarded-by: Dan Hunt <dan@opnsys.com>

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 25 things I have learned in 50 years  (by Dave Barry)
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 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
    helicopters in it.

 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
    reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense
    of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is
    entertainment.

 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you
    think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her
    at that moment.

 6. A penny saved is worthless.

 7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be
    peace in the Middle East.  Billions of years from now, when Earth is
    hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet
    except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East
    will be bitter enemies.

 8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

 9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
    religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down
    inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
    a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
    want you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that
    generates concepts for television sitcoms.  When TV executives need a
    new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions
    of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE
    YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this
    concept into a show.  The next time they need an idea, the computer
    spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN
    APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT
    ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT."  And so on.  We need
    to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very
    excited and announce that:
 * The universe is even bigger than they thought!
 * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
 * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
    not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
    would be "meetings."

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
    people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what
    the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
 * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the
    advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other
    Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
 * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there
    are significant differences between these two products, both companies
    realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
 * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes
    to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe
    brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
 * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the
    critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this
    factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of
    its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will
    not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
    who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often,
    that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

  -- Dave Barry

© 1998 Peter Langston