Fun_People Archive
27 Oct
Dead Men Read No Mail

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 27 Oct 97 22:34:04 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Dead Men Read No Mail

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Dead Men Read No Mail

By Scott Hanson
(Scott Hanson is a news reporter and anchor with WESH-Channel 2 in Orlando.)

My father died on Jan 2, 1995. He left no forwarding address.  Therefore,
it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn't expect much really, since my
sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance agent and a
host of other businesses that one of their customers was no more.

You would think a death notice would cut down on the amount of
correspondence from those firms. Quite the contrary. Instead -- for months,
mind you -- my deceased father continued to receive mail from companies that
had been told of his passing but pressed on, determined to contact him
anyway.

The first to hope for a reply from beyond the grave was my father's bank.

  Dear Mr. Hanson,
  Our records indicate payment is due for overdraft protection on your
  checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful.
  Therefore, we are automatically withdrawing your monthly $28.00 service
  charge from you account. Please adjust your records accordingly.

  Sincerely,
  The Phoenix Branch


  Dear Phoenix Branch,
  This is to notify you once again that Mr. Hanson died Jan 02, 1995.  It
  is therefore unlikely he will be overdrawing his account. Please close
  his account, and adjust your books accordingly.

  Sincerely,
  Scott Hansom

Later that same week, I receive this note from Dad's insurance company.
Again, this is a firm that had been told in no uncertain terms of his death.

  Dear Mr. Hanson,
  It's time to renew your auto insurance policy! To continue your coverage,
  you must send $54.17 to this office immediately. Failure to do so will
  result in the cancellation of your policy, and interruption of your
  coverage.

  Sincerely,
  Your Insurance Agent


  Dear Insurance Agent,
  This is to remind you that Mr. Hanson has been dead since January.  As
  such, the odds he'll be involved in a collision are quite minimal. Please
  cancel the policy, and adjust your books accordingly.

  Sincerely,
  Scott Hanson.

The next day, I went to my mailbox to find this:

  Dear Mr. Hanson,
  Let me introduce myself. I am a psychic reader, and it is very important
  that you contact me immediately. I sense that you are about to enter a
  time of unprecedented financial prosperity. Please call the enclosed 900
  number immediately, so I can tell you how best to take full advantage of
  the opportunities that are coming your way.

  Sincerely,
  Your Psychic Reader


  Dear Psychic Reader,
  My father regrets he will be unable to call your 900 number. As a psychic
  reader, I'm sure you already know my father is dead, and had been for more
  that three weeks when you mailed your letter to him. I sense my father
  would be more than happy to take you up on your offer of a psychic
  reading, should you care to meet with him personally.

  Sincerely,
  Scott Hanson

  P.S. Should you be in contact with my father in the future, please ask
  him if he'd like to renew his car insurance.

A few months of calm passed, and then these arrived:

  Dear Mr. Hanson,
  Our records indicate a balance of $112 has accrued for overdraft
  protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven
  unsuccessful. Please pay the minimum amount due, or contact this office
  to make other arrangements.  We appreciate your business and look forward
  to serving all of your future borrowing needs.

  Sincerely,
  Your Bank's San Diego
  District Office


  Dear San Diego District Office,
  I am writing to you for the third time now to tell you my father died in
  January. Since then, the number of checks he's written has dropped
  dramatically. Being dead, he has no plans to use his overdraft protection
  or pay even the minimum amount due for a service he no longer needs.
  As for future borrowing needs, well, don't hold your breath.

  Sincerely,
  Scott Hanson


  Dear Mr. Hanson,
  Records show you owe a balance of $54.17 to your insurance agent.  Efforts
  to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, the matter has been
  turned over to us for collection.  Please remit the amount of $54.17 to
  our office or we will be forced to take legal action to collect the debt.

  Sincerely,
  Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency


  Dear Collection Agency,
  I told your client. Now I'm telling you. Dad's dead.  He doesn't need
  insurance. He's dead. Dead, dead, dead. I doubt even your lawyers can
  change that.  Please adjust your books accordingly.

  Sincerely,
  Scott Hanson

A few more months, and:

  Dear Mr. Hanson,
  Our records show an unpaid balance of $224 has accrued for overdraft
  protection on your checking account. Our efforts to contact you have
  proven unsuccessful.  Please remit the amount in full to this office, or
  the matter will be turned over to a collection agency.  Such action will
  adversely affect your credit history.

  Sincerely,
  Your Bank's Los Angeles Regional Office


  Dear Los Angeles Regional Office,
  I am writing for the fourth time to the fourth person at the fourth
  address to tell your bank that my father passed away in January.  Since
  that time, I've watched with a mixture of amazement and amusement as your
  bank continues to transact business with him.  Now, you are even
  threatening his credit history.  It should come as no surprise that you
  have received little response from my deceased father. It should also be
  small news that his credit history is of minor importance to him now.
  For the fourth and final time, please adjust your books accordingly.

  Sincerely,
  Scott Hanson


  Dear Mr. Hanson,
  This is your final notice of payment due to your insurance agent.  If our
  firm does not receive payment of $54.17, we will commence legal action on
  the matter.  Please contact us at once.

  Sincerely,
  Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency

  Dear Insurance Agent's Collection Agency,
  You may contact my father via the enclosed 900 number.

  Sincerely,
  Scott Hanson

It has now been a couple of months since I've heard from these firms.
Either the people writing these letters finally believe my father is dead,
or they themselves have died and are now receiving similar correspondence.

Actually, there has been a lesson in these letters. Any one of them would
be cause for great worry, if sent to a living person. The dead are immune
from corporate bullying. There's nothing like dying to put business
correspondence in its proper perspective.

Perhaps that's the best reason not to fear death. There's no post
office there.

© 1997 Peter Langston