Fun_People Archive
1 Nov
Men's Room Etiquette

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri,  1 Nov 96 16:25:09 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: Men's Room Etiquette

[This will look best with a monospaced (fixed-width) font.  All you wussies  
that read mail with Times Italic (or even Helvetica) will have trouble with  
the diagrams...  BTW, the universal truths presented here also apply to  
shower spots at the health club... assuming you're "normally" homophobic;  
otherwise, all bets are off anyway...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Forwarded-by: Carl Staelin <staelin@hplms2.hpl.hp.com>
Forwarded-by: sread@diba.com (J. Stuart Read)

Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty.
There IS a code of Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed.
===============================================

The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.  An X
above the number will indicate "in use."

(Sample):

 |   |   | x |   |   | x |     (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6
 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |     are occupied.)
 -------------------------

You are to identify, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall
you should stand.  Good luck!

 --------------------
   Easy Section
 --------------------
1.)

 |   | x |   | x |   |   |     (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)
 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
 -------------------------

Your choice: ___
 -----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6        It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy
                         instinctively knows this.
===============================================
2.)

 | x |   |   |   |   |   |    (Urinal 1 occupied.)
 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
 -------------------------

Your choice:  ___
 -----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6        Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a
                         greater risk of being next to someone
                         who arrives later.
===============================================
 -------------------------
 Kind of tricky Section:
 -------------------------
3.)

 |   |   |   |   |   |   |   (empty)
 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
 --------------------------

Your choice:  __
 -----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer:  1 or 6    You are tacitly saying,
                           "I don't want anyone next to me."
===============================================
4.)

  |   | x |   | x |   | x |       (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
  | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
  -------------------------

Your choice:  ___
 -----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer:  1        You're stuck being next to at
                          least ONE guy, so you minimize the
                          impact and get a wall on your left.
                          NEVER go between TWO guys if you
                          can help it.  Exceptions to this
                          are stadium restrooms where the
                          herd thunders in.
===============================================
 -----------------------------------------------
 Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section
 -----------------------------------------------
5.)

|   | x |   |   | x | x |          (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
 -------------------------

Your choice:  __
 -----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer:  4       Believe it or not,  1 and 3 "couples"
                         you with the guy in stall 2.  And we
                         wouldn't want THAT now, would we?

                         This differs from question 4 in such a
                         subtle way that the nuances cannot be
                         explained.  Suffice to say, only we men
                         would understand!
===============================================
 -----------------------------
 VERY tricky indeed Section
 -----------------------------
6.)

| x | x |   |   | x | x |          (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
 -------------------------

Your choice:  ___
 -----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer:  NONE!  You go to the mirror and pretend to
                        comb your hair or straighten a tie
                        until the urinals "open up" a bit more.
                        If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for
                        god's sake! ... use a doored stall.
===============================================
Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
 -- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep
    it terse and unemotional.  This ain't no clubhouse.
 -- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of
    anyone other than yourself.  A touch of another's elbow is of
    the highest offense.
 -- NO Singing.  Period.
 -- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see
    you there.  I will not look again".

© 1996 Peter Langston