Fun_People Archive
30 Sep
Extensions to HTML

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 30 Sep 96 18:45:27 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Extensions to HTML

Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Forwarded-by: Jason Thorpe <thorpej@nas.nasa.gov>
From: The Terminator rAT <rat@nas.nasa.gov>

New extensions coming soon to the World Wide Web:

<throb>
    This text throbs in a disquieting way.
</throb>

	Causes the text to be displayed in an alternating larger and smaller
	fontsize, and  a nasty magenta to yellow color cycle.  It would also
	generate an annoyingly loud LA-DUMP! LA-DUMP DUMP! sound out of the
	multi-media system.  Attempts to stop the throbbing should be
	accompanied by loud shrieks and flashing images of monkeys in
	stereotaxic devices.

=============================================================================
<scold>
    You're never gonna get anything done if you keep screwing that
    shell command up!
</scold>

	<Scold>s are rendered in huge, scrolling blinking letters and will
	color cycle between yellow and neon green.  Additionally, the text
	enclosed in a <scold> tag will be sent to a speech synthesis
	program running in the browser, which will scream in a loud and
	slightly hysterical voice at the user.  In a distributed environment,
	the browser may forward the <scold> to other machines for maximal
	effect.
	
=============================================================================
<roats>
    Hey!  HEY HEY HEY STUPID!  Will ya stop pushing that goddamn button?!
</roats>

	This new tag makes the text leap off the screen and slap the reader
	across the face.  Unfortunately, very few systems are currently
	hardware compatible with this option tag.  It might be possible for
	browsers to implement this option in software via a rapidly blinking
	image on the video display screen, triggering seizures in less
	hardy users.

	[Technical note: "ROATS" comes from "Reach Out And Touch Someone",
	a promising technology from The Phone Company that never developed]

=============================================================================
<seduce>
    Ooohh, yes!  You LOVE our product don't you, baby?  Tell me you love it!
</seduce>

	<seduce> is designed for use by marketing companies.  It functions
	to throw a hypnotic spell over the reader, wherein the reader will
	do stupid things like call 1-900 numbers, send credit card numbers
	over insecure networks, or believe that the Web is an acceptable
	place for commerical advertisement.

	[Technical note: It is very important to include the </seduce> end
	tag -- otherwise readers never come out of the trance and are
	suitable only as livestock feed or mass-marketing executives.]

=============================================================================
<drivel>
    Our company is dedicated to the development of robust, industry-leading
    technologies for scalable platforms.
</drivel>

	The <drivel> tag should be used to set off useless, content-free
	marketing statements.  This allows the browser to automatically
	ignore the content and replace it with the simple text "Blah blah."
	Browsers may also search the document for content before displaying
	it, and insert <drivel> tags where the signal to noise ratio is
	below some user-determined limit.

	[Technical Note: It is recommended that most companies use the
	<drivel> and </drivel> tags in conjunction with the <body> and
	</body> tags used to delimit textual content.]

=============================================================================
<pervert>
    This text will be rewritten with obscene descriptions of sexual acts
    as soon as the reader looks away.
</pervert>

	The <pervert> tag takes otherwise innocuous (see <drivel> above)
	textual content and replaces it with very detailed descriptions of
	sexual acts, containing lots of capitalized FOUR letter words.
	Substitution should occur only after the reader has read past the
	text and is concentrating on some other portion of the document.
	If the reader attempts to scrutinize the changed text it must be
	instantly returned to the original.

	If the browser is incapable of following the scanning of the user's
	eyes, it is acceptable to flash a full page image of a centerfold
	immediately before displaying a freshly scrolled page.  The exposure
	must be limited to less than 1/30th of a second, however, for best
	psychological effect.

	[Technical note: This tag must make changes that will be seen out
	of the corner of the eye, but cannot be discovered by examination.
	Subtlety is everything.  It is, however, acceptable for the computer
	to look guilty after rendering the <pervert> tag.]

=============================================================================
<abuse>
    You're such a loser!  Get a life!  You suck moose dick!  Your mother is
    dog-butt ugly and has fleas!
</abuse>

	Text or images contained by the <abuse> tag will periodically pop
	up in dialog boxes on whatever application the reader is using.
	The dialog box will request some ridiculous and degrading
	activity from the reader (i.e. "Go to 7-11 wearing only a 2-liter
	plastic soda bottle and a pink dog collar to continue...") before
	allowing them to continue their work.

	[Technical note: the text of the messages should be stored in a
	NVRAM or EPROM to discourage users from "fixing" their computers by
	rebooting or reinstalling the operating system]

=============================================================================
<humiliate>
    Rolling around on old newspapers coated with chopped nuts and Vaseline
    is perverted, you know.
</humiliate>

	The text inside the <humiliate> tag is broadcast over all available
	media to all potential listeners, as well as the reader's name,
	address, telephone number and email address.

	It will, for instance, be displayed, along with a picture of the
	victim, in bright red letters on all screens in a multimedia lab.

	[Technical note: if the browser is running on a non-broadcast network,
	it is technically acceptable to re-format the text into an "I" state-
	ment (i.e. "I like to roll around...") and email it to all the users
	on the system with the subject line "I'll give you $100 if you help me
	achieve Nirvana".]

=============================================================================
<bitch>
    My feet hurt so bad from work and you haven't cleaned the house and
    I can't find my driver's license and it's all your fault that I'm so
    unhappy and nobody even cares about my feelings anymore and somebody
    gave me the finger on the way home and ...
</bitch>

	This tag provides a convenient method for the Web author to lay
	heaps of blame upon the reader.  It should be rendered smack-dab
	in the center of the screen, in a large flashing font, and resist
	all attempts to ignore it.

	[Technical note: multimedia-capable computers should render this
	tag as described above, as well as reading the text out loud in
	a whiny, high-pitched voice.  It would also be appropriate to throw
	things at the user while in a <bitch></bitch> context.]
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