Assorted Bon Mots - The Comic World View
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 30 Aug 96 13:44:20 -0700
Subject: Assorted Bon Mots - The Comic World View
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The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day
you're off it.
- Jackie Gleason
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- Red Buttons
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing,
but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
- Ronnie Corbett
They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your
car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put
a stop to siphoning.
- Billie Holliday
Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service
- Wil Shriner
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a moron.
- George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneris
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under
my arms instead.
- Sue Kolinsky
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise.
- Roger Simon
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough.
- Pearl Williams
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy
it back for seventy-five cents.
- Billiam Coronel
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Dave Edison
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
- Calvin Trillin
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's
like having a little pet for your face.
- Anita Wise
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
- Jay Leno
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place.
- Johnny Carson
It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on
- George Lindsey
Never moon a werewolf.
- Mike Binder
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
- George Gobel
"More hay, Trigger?"
"No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
© 1996 Peter Langston