Fun_People Archive
2 Feb
Medical Records

Date: Fri, 2 Feb 96 13:01:07 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Medical Records

Forwarded-by: Lani Herrmann <lanih@info.sims.berkeley.edu>
Forwarded-by: buckland

Doctors are, for the most part, human.  Which means they make blunders and
bloopers just like anybody else.

The current Journal of Polymorphous Perversity offers a collection of
oddball medical reports -- and as the introduction warns, "this varicose
vein of anguished English has in no way been doctored."

Some excerpts:

-- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

-- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

-- He had a left-toe amputation one month ago.  He also had a left-knee
   amputation last year.

-- Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

-- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
   feeling better.

-- The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.

-- The patient refused an autopsy.

-- The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
   with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

-- Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.

-- The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
   original complaints.

-- The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the ER and are not
   available.  I WILL FIND THEM!!!

© 1996 Peter Langston