IMPORTANT PROCLAMATION: THE FUTURE OF THE NET IS AT HAND!
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 94 19:02:35 PDT
Subject: IMPORTANT PROCLAMATION: THE FUTURE OF THE NET IS AT HAND!
[I hadn't seen this before today. It seems a bit long and a bit predictable,
but there are some really wonderful parts. -psl]
Forwarded-by: lanih@info.Berkeley.EDU (J. Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: Space Child <Alix.HerrmannScheurer@ipn.unil.ch>
From: email@example.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
P R O C L A M A T I O N & M A N I F E S T O
WHEREAS, the computer network named USENET has insurmountable flaws:
=> It is cluttered with thousands of disorganized groups.
=> It is difficult to use due to the various software interfaces.
=> It is infected with viruses, especially in the .signatures.
=> There is no formal rulebook and no official administration.
=> Bozos abound.
=> Power-crazed maniacs frequently try to manipulate Usenet at their whim.
These problems are most important. THEREFORE, in an official and secret
democratic vote, Kibo has been duly elected LEADER OF THE NET. To correct
this heinous situation, LEADER KIBO has decided to take bold measures,
a brave new initiative, detailed herein.
WAKE UP, IT'S 1994! THE FUTURE WILL NOT WAIT FOR A VOTE!
Here is what Leader Kibo has decided--what MUST be done--what WILL be done:
PHASE ONE. GLOBAL RMGROUPS FOR ALL USENET GROUPS WILL BE
ISSUED ON 4/15/94, 06:00 GMT.
A Day Without Usenet shall pass, and it will be a time of rest for
government employees. Many will discover life, or at least television.
Desperate soc.singles readers will have nervous breakdowns. ClariNet
will go bankrupt. UUNET's modems will cool off. The world
will rotate a full three hundred sixty degrees just the same.
Every Usenet group, and all its associated problems, will have been
wiped off the face of the Earth forever by the might of the rmgroup.
Of course, to prevent any power-crazed maniacs from putting the
groups back, the newsgroup `control' will be rmgrouped FIRST. Thus,
the situation will be permanent. Nobody will undo the Pax Kibotica!
PHASE TWO. NEWGROUPS FOR THE GROUPS IN THE NEW HIERARCHY WILL
BE ISSUED ON 4/16/43, 06:00 GMT.
The new network shall be named HAPPYNET, as it will be a Better Place.
Usenet is dead. Long live HappyNet!
********* HAPPYNET: THE NET THAT'S HAPPIER THAN YOU! *********
UNDER THE AUSPICES OF THE ALL-WISE LEADER KIBO,
THE NEW NETWORK SHALL BE ORGANIZED THUSLY:
Three hierarchies encompassing ALL HUMAN DISCOURSE:
All topics discussed on Usenet, and even deeper topics which COULD
be discussed on Usenet but AREN'T, will fit nicely in those three--
NO EXCEPTIONS. Extensive time and motion studies have been
performed in the name of efficiency to maximize your pleasure!
Existing groups will be moved into the new organization
scheme, resulting in nonbozo.news.announce.newusers, bozo.rec.pets,
megabozo.talk.bizarre, nonbozo.comp.virus, bozo.alt.sex,
megabozo.alt.fan.lemurs, bozo.postmodern, megabozo.org.mensa,
etc., as determined by scientific measurements of the bozosity of the
groups, measured by Leader Kibo's Council On Scientific Bozosity and the
faculty of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (Troy, NY), world leaders in
bozosity assessment. These truly scientific procedures were developed
and pre-tested by Drs. Todd M. McComb and Tim Gallagher and are patented
to prove that they are good!
It is estimated that the statistical breakdown of HappyNet will be thus:
9.0000% megabozo.* (Computations courtesy of Bell Labs)
Bozo.* will, of course, be subdivided logically: bozo.nerd.*, bozo.tv.*,
bozo.inane.*, bozo.boring.*, bozo.sex.*, bozo.argue.*.
New groups will also be added for MAXIMUM ENJOYMENT. The network would
be a very unfair place if only Leader Kibo were allowed to propose new
groups. Instead, because Leader Kibo is benevolent and omnisagaciously
father-like, he will create WHATEVER GROUP YOU WANT (even, say,
megabozo.kibo.is.a.blenny!) provided that (a) you follow the Official
Procedure, filing all five copies of your request in triplicate and then
making seven carbons of each, and (b) you pay Leader Kibo $160 for each
letter in the new group's name, and $720 for each period. UNLIKE SOMEARCHAIC SY
STEMS, VOWELS DO NOT COST EXTRA. PAT SAJAK IS EVIL!
Of course, thanks to Leader Kibo's awesome foresight, new groups will
probably not be needed. A simple computer program will generate all
groupnames from *.aaaaa.aaaaa.aaaaa.aaaaa to *.zzzzz.zzzzz.zzzzz.zzzzz.
This will encompass ALL possibilities in a COMPLETELY LOGICAL FASHION,
maximally efficient yet FUN! Prudence and foresight by LEADER KIBO!
There will even be a .d group for every regular group. In fact,
the .d groups will even have their own .d.d groups for metadiscussion
of whether or not the new .d.d.d and .d.d.d.d groups are needed at all!
The wealth of new groups will also cut down on those annoying egomaniacal
posters who try to post the same article to EVERY group, because it will
become physically impossible to post to ALL groups within a MORTAL LIFETIME!
But wait, there's more--over six billion groups MORE will be added at
HappyNet's inception--free of charge!
********* HAPPYNET: EVERYONE IS EQUALLY EQUAL! *********
To promote EQUALITY and POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (the good kind), Leader
Kibo has decided to correct the inequality of the distribution of
"personal" groups. Some people, or groups of people, currently are
popular enough to have groups named in their honor: alt.weemba,
alt.fan.john-palmer, alt.fan.monty-python, alt.fan.dave-barry,
alt.fan.mike-jittlov, alt.fan.naked-guy, alt.religion.kibology,
alt.fan.alok-vijayvargia, alt.fan.peter-langston. Because everyone is
equal before the eyes of wise Leader Kibo, it was decided that EVERYONE
WILL HAVE THEIR OWN GROUP on HappyNet. This will celebrate the
global diversity of our users, demonstrating for once and for all
that they are all unique, but unique in exactly the same way!
A scientific questionnaire developed specifically for the purpose will be
mailed to everyone on the planet. It will read:
Dear Citizen Of The New Network,
You are being given your own HappyNet group. Its placement
will depend on your answer to this simple question.
ARE YOU A BOZO? (CHECK EXACTLY ONE)  YES  NO
People who answer "yes" will be given groups in bozo.personal.*, and
people who answer "no" will be given groups in megabozo.personal.*.
People who refuse to answer, or show contempt for the process, will be
taken (by the Network Security Patrol Force) to the Citadel Of Judgment
to appear before the Council Of Bozosity, who will examine the person and
assign them either bozo.weenie.* or megabozo.weenie.*.
Of course, this would be POINTLESS if anyone in the world were DENIED
ACCESS to HappyNet.
********* HAPPYNET: A NET IN EVERY POT! *********
Net access will be provided to EVERY SINGLE PERSON, LIVING, UNBORN, OR
DEAD, thanks to the new TELESCREENS which will be installed in every room
of every building on the planet. Not only will this encourage higher net
communications volume, it will also help Leader Kibo be a good leader, as
it will allow Leader Kibo to instantly broadcast to all his subjects, and
to see how they are feeling and what they are doing.
But simple TELESCREENS in LIVING ROOMS, BEDROOMS, and BATHROOMS are
not enough to ensure FREEDOM and EQUALITY. Neural transceivers will
be implanted, FREE, at BIRTH in all newborns, allowing them to "jack in"
to HappyNet, transmitting articles, sounds, and even GIF files at
the speed of thought! They won't even have to worry about spelling--
they'll just THINK and their EVERY THOUGHT will be broadcast into
EVERYONE ELSE'S HEADS!
And because Leader Kibo CARES and values YOUR opinion, this will even
allow Leader Kibo to know what his subjects are THINKING, thanks to the
heroic actions of the NETWORK SECURITY PATROL FORCE.
********* HAPPYNET: WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING *********
The Network Security Patrol Force, or NSPF, will be composed of volunteer
system administrators who wish to enforce the continued accuracy,
relevance, and acceptability of HappyNet postings. They will monitor,
censor, and cancel bad postings, made by EVIL SUBVERSIVES who attempt to
DEPRIVE you of your HAPPINESS. These SUPPRESSIVE PERSONS will be
hunted down and suppressed!
NSPF officers have really spiffy uniforms, especially the shiny gas masks,
well-balanced batons, six-inch-thick shoulder pads and twelve-inch cleats.
And, of course, they will punish evildoers, night or day. HappyNet
********* HAPPYNET: SLEEP TIGHT WITH ALL THE SECURITY IN THE WORLD! *********
But what of those EVIL organizations that simply want to SPY on you? Well,
the NSPF won't have to even TRY to prevent that, because the LOGICAL PLAN
of HAPPYNET will defeat that automatically! If some three-letter government
agency wants to SCAN all articles for WORDS LIKE "NUCLEAR BOMB" or
"WHITEWATER", it will be IMPOSSIBLE because not even the fastest
computer in the WORLD--the CRAY-9000--could search ALL THOSE GROUPS, EVER!!!
********* HAPPYNET: ACCURACY IS EVERYTHING ON HAPPYNET! *********
Here are examples of infractions against the unwritten rules of HappyNet,
and the punishments the NSPF will bring against the villains.
..signature longer than four lines: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110
..signature has giant ASCII graphic: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110
baud on a Braille terminal after having fingers rubbed with sandpaper.
Posting an article consisting solely of "Me too!": Poster's legal name is
officially changed to "Me Too".
Calling a newsgroup a "bboard" or "notesfile": Forced to memorize
Spelling "too" as "to", "it's" as "its", "lose" as "loose", "you're"
as "your", or any of the following--"wierd", "Anti-Semetic", "senerio",
or "masterbation": Forced to write out Webster's Ninth ten times.
Asking what ":-)" means: Drawing, quartering, and turning sideways.
Using "<g>" instead of ":-)": being sent back to GEnie, AOL, Delphi, etc.
Sending a newgroup message without permission of Leader Kibo: Poster is
forced to adopt twelve wacky sitcom children.
Posting flames outside of a *.flame group: Poster is allowed to read only
groups about fluffy puppies.
Posting "Please send e-mail, since I don't read this group": Poster is
rendered illiterate by a simple trepanation.
*Plonk*ing outside talk.bizarre: Poster is *plonked*--LITERALLY.
Asking for people to send cards to Craig Shergold: Poster must answer
all of Craig's mail.
Posting the "Dave Rhodes: MAKE MONEY FAST" scam: Poster must answer all
of Craig's and Dave's mail while also memorizing the script to every
episode of "Knight Rider" and doing voice exercises like saying
"NANCY, HAND THE MAN THE DANDY CANDY" ten million times and also
being forced to eat cottage cheese we found piled up on the sidewalk.
Posting to aus.* from the USA: Poster is deported to Australia after having
a "Kick Me, Mate" sign glued to their forehead.
Posting an article with a malformed address so that mail bounces when
people reply: Poster and/or their admin are sent back to kindergarten.
..signature huge script letters: Poster is forced to tattoo HappyNet
slogans on their body in huge script letters.
Excess CAPITALIZATION & PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Poster is issued a new
keyboard without capitals or punctuation. The space bar will be clearly
*Excess*asterisks*in*.signature*: Poster is hit with one shuriken for
Articles quoted in followup, but no new semantic content appended: Poster
is forced to watch a "Small Wonder" marathon on cable TV.
Advertising on the net: Poster is forced to pay Leader Kibo for the
Asking help for some program but not saying what sort of computer you're
using: Poster's computer is reduced to 1K RAM.
Arguing over whose computer is better: Being introduced to Leader Kibo,
whose custom Turbissimo MoNDO Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV computer is far
better than theirs and will make them cry in humiliation.
Giving away the secret of "The Crying Game": No punishment.
Making fools of people in rec.org.mensa with pranks: No punishment
necessary for something that simple. After all, some people could
even do it by accident.
Referring to the NSPF as "The Thought Police": Execution.
Humor impairment: Execution.
Saying "Imminent death of the net predicted!": Imminent execution of
Mentioning Star Trek outside of the Star Trek groups: "Star Trek:
Deep Space Nine" is cancelled, and all tapes of the original series are
burned. William Shatner will direct all future movies.
There are other helpful rules and regulations, but they are double secret.
Of course, various branches of the NSPF will specialize in various
enforcements: the Spelling Squad, the Grammar Goons, the Definition
Draconians, the Typo Tyrants, the Capitalization Captains, the Pedantic
Patriots, the Cross-Post Crushers, the Cascade Commandos, and
the .signature .specialforce. There will even be a special detail to
track down, and burn, copies of the Green Golfball Joke.
********* HAPPYNET: MODERATION IN ALL THINGS! *********
The concept of moderated groups will be retained for a few groups,
with minor changes.
Alt.flame (renamed megabozo.alt.flame) will be moderated by Dave Lawrence,
as his news.announce.newgroups duties have been assumed by Leader Kibo.
Dick Depew will be assigned the task of making up an imaginative
Message-ID for every article in the world. (He will also unleash random
daemons onto the net to destroy the unpleasant signal to noise ratio
A program that determines how funny an article is by measuring the
frequency of the "k" sound (an elementary comedic principle discovered in
Kukamonga, Arkansas) will replace rec.humor.funny moderator Maddi Hausmann,
allowing her to devote full time to assisting Brad Templeton's
Serdar Argic will be the official underliner of HappyNet. Every time
the word "turkey" is mentioned, he will post a followup underlining and
circling it. This will be a tremendous help to people looking for
Jay O'Connell has volunteered to personally deliver an envelope labelled
THESE ARE ALL THE TOPLESS PICTURES OF MARINA SIRTIS THERE ARE to all
users to prevent them from asking for them over and over. This should
reduce the bandwidth by an estimated 90%.
Iain Sinclair will ensure that the link between Australia and the rest of
the world is down on a regular schedule, instead of an irregular one.
He has also been commissioned to design the NSPF uniforms, with the
blessings of the Florida Citrus Council and the California Leather Council.
And, of course, a world-class anonymous-posting server will be
established. Not only will it remove your name from your postings (so
that you don't have to worry about defending your opinions) but it will
also eliminate the opinions themselves. Thus, don't be surprised to see
a lot of anonymous postings in bozo.alt.sex.stories saying simply
"I have no opinion on homosexuality." HappyNet will help us all to get
along, even the people with no names.
But what about those disclaimers that state that your opinion is not
that of IBM, McDonalds, MIT, Scientology, etc.?
Disclaimers are NOT required on articles, therefore you MUST include
DISCLAIMER: THIS DISCLAIMER IS NOT REQUIRED BY LEADER KIBO.
THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT NECESSARILY REPRESENT THE OPINIONS OF LEADER KIBO.
THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT NECESSARILY DISAGREE WITH LEADER KIBO EITHER.
HAVE A NICE DAY!
Also, for your protection, Leader Kibo has filed a copyright claim on
HappyNet. Thus, any postings without a copyright notice become the
intellectual property of Kibo. This will keep random people from
commercially exploiting your ideas, because they won't be
YOUR ideas any more! It's THAT SIMPLE. STREAMLINE EVERYTHING!
******** HAPPYNET: A BLAST TO LIGHT OUR GLOWING FUTURE! ********
HappyNet as currently implemented is just one communications medium.
But this will blast our way into the foundation of the future:
Eventually, HappyNet will be expanded to replace the other
`conventional' media, such as newspapers, television, radio, standup
comedy, and sex. .signatures will be sixty-second commercials. Alt.sex
(bozo.alt.sex) will be interactive and finally worth reading.
A PBS series, "Great RFCs, Past and Present" will be filmed to replace
the boring old text RFCs. A Fox series, hosted by Dr. Ruth Westheimer,
will replace "Emily Postnews".
The Sony Walkman will become obsolete thanks to the Sony rnman. The
instructions will be on a separate device, the Sony manman.
Once everyone in the world is hooked into the giant HappyNet neural
network and their brains merge into one gigantic community of mind
(with an IQ well over THREE HUNDRED!), local events will be instantly
communicated everywhere in the world. For example, people in Sri Lanka
will be able to INSTANTLY receive dozens of "Hey, we're having a minor
earthquake here in San Francisco RIGHT NOW!" postings INSTANTLY, instead
of having to wait weeks. Rumors of such important events as DeForest
Kelley's death will also propagate instantly, but this is not really
a drawback: it enables the NSPF to detect them and snuff them out faster!
HappyNet is an important part of this well-balanced future. In fact,
it is the ONLY part. Without HappyNet, there could be no future.
Usenet paves the road to misery and ruin with its cascades, cross-posts,
flame wars, forgeries, and .signature viruses. HappyNet does not pave
this road--where it's going, we don't NEED roads! HappyNet bravely
journeys into an unknown, but not unpleasant future. Everyone WILL
be happy, happier than human beings can possibly be.
Although it will take HappyNet months, maybe years, to improve all
areas of daily existence in all possible ways, it will be obvious to
the most casual reader that HappyNet is better than Usenet.
Those who aren't casual readers--well, they will come to agree.
In time, they will even love me. In fact, soon they will beg to
love me! But I, Leader Kibo, want only the best for everyone.
After all, I am one of the readers of Usenet, so I can make the
readers of Usenet happy by making me happy FIRST. DEATH TO USENET!
LONG LIVE HAPPYNET! TO THE MOON!
********* HAPPYNET: YOU CONTROL HOW IT CONTROLS YOU *********
© 1994 Peter Langston