The Bastard Operator From Hell now works in Manufacturing...
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 94 16:50:37 PST
Subject: The Bastard Operator From Hell now works in Manufacturing...
[As I understand it, this is the new Package Insert to be Inserted into all new
Packages coming from Microsoft in the near future... -psl]
From: <firstname.lastname@example.org> (DRT)
[I thought I'd better send something to stem the flow of
Microsoft Employee jokes. -DRT]
READ THIS FIRST
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device
that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free
service, except that you undoubtly will destroy it via some
typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you
to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY
BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T
YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND
FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO
ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER
AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING
WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE
DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because
we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it
turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device
in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we
naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead
insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to
protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more
than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE
CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT
RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS
WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring
back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her
fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on
the whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most of a bottle
of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the
question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name
is "Barker", if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR
ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED
LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the
store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store
personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by
Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer
grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should
turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this
country can't make a car that can get all the way through
the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission
overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents
the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation
Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from
causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their
appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug
Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is
equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist
of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT
TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct
sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT
HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD
AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE
ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF
THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE
TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE,
WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF
"SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our
NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery.
Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large
occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation
is a very maintainence action, as a kindly (something)
virepoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together
with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto,
shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and
malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday
afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer
will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our
Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage
in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This
warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
© 1994 Peter Langston